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Joined: Aug 29, 2007 Posts: 245 Location: london south east
Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 4:21 pm Post subject: Irish retorts
Why there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a
quaint way with words.
Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.
"I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate
to feel like this if I was well!"
Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the
He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their
"He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday
did him the world of good."
"And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness.
"That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he
doesn't know he's dead yet,but when he wakes up, the shock will kill
"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.
Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble.
"Is that you Murphy?" called his wife.
"Byjasis! It damned well better be!"
Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell
from the second floor scaffolding.
"Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above.
"To be sure I am," replied Murphy.
"You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or
not!" called Gallagher
"That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below,
"because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"
Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first
"First, what's your name and occupation?" The compere asked.
"Pass", came the reply
Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
"It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next
city under the town hall clock".
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy
drove up in a swank car.
"Where the hell did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful
woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her
"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said
"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."
Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large
"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.
"Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.
The officer took the bottle and tried some. " Why it's Irish whiskey."
! He spluttered.
"Lord bless me."! Said Paddy, "another bloomin`miracle."
On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
"What's it for?" asked Paddy..
"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.
Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."
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