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Viva-Almeria :: View topic - More oldies ! Airline announcements
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More oldies ! Airline announcements

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Joined: Aug 29, 2007
Posts: 245
Location: london south east

PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 10:01 am    Post subject: More oldies ! Airline announcements Reply with quote


United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'


On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're
going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like
to have. '


'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane'


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying
our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as
hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant
said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .... Please
remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'


'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water
landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'


'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses...
except for that gentleman over there.'


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it
wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
fault, it was the asphalt.'


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying
with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways..'


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on
the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have
a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax....
OH, MY GOD!'Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry
if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the
flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine!'
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Joined: Oct 14, 2005
Posts: 145
Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 10:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hilarious icon_lol.gif Thank you rossiterm
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Joined: Aug 29, 2007
Posts: 245
Location: london south east

PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 12:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're welcome Diana

Sometimes / most times - the old ones are still the best!

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